2023-06-14

Dear Rice,

I am writing this to you in an attempt to explain why I am not myself at the moment, why I am not the happy friend you knew before. Please remember that I am not trying to blame you for anything or make you feel bad, but there are so many things going through my head constantly, things that make my mind clouded and my heart heavy. I am hoping that by telling you all these things I won't hurt you, because that is not my intention. But I have to try and get all that stuff off my mind and try to find back to myself.

I think back a lot, about all that happened. And I realized what the moment was when I fell in love with you. It was the very first time I watched your famous video with Graham. When you said "Hi, my name is Ricel Luanzon", that was the moment I fell in love with you. I just didn't want to admit it to myself because I was scared to get hurt again and that was also the reason I didn't tell you - and I recognize now, that this fear is the reason why I hurt so much now, I messed up again. Maybe more than ever before in my life, because you are the best thing that ever happened to me, even only as a friend and artist.

I had not dared to hope or expect that there would be more than friendship between us, but when you invited me to come along to visit your family, I felt it was a kind of test to see if I would fit in and if they would like and accept me too. And when you told me after the arrival and the first visit to your house, that I made a good impression on your family and that I was so handsome, I really thought that it meant something. 

It was so great how you took care of me while in the Philippines. For example when you opened a crab for me to feed me, that made me feel very special. No one ever did something like that for me. While on the island, some family members noticed the way I look at you and I was shy about that, but they were so nice and encouraging. Back in Manila I cried at the breakfast, it was happy tears because I was so moved by the hospitality and love shown by your family, which I had hoped would be my family too in the future. But I noticed that I never really got a chance to talk you when I was there, without someone else being around. But now I understand why... 

I would have loved to talk to you more, not only about serious things, but also about fun stuff. But I guess it was also my fault that I was always too serious, mostly because I loved you so much and was so nervous and anxious. Even before I visited there, I wished I would have gotten to talk to you long time ago, on the phone or a video call. But I never wanted to disturb you, I felt like I was a burden or distraction to you. I know now that was a big mistake.

I had even brought an engagement ring with me, just in case things would have gone well. When we were in Panglit and you said that you planned to build a house there in the future for your retirement, I nearly burst out: "why wait, let's build right away!". That's what I felt, but I knew it  would have been wrong to say it. Even before coming to visit, I was thinking about how I could be spending more time there, splitting my time between Austria and the Philippines, or even trying to find a job and move there. I was  having dreams about a possible common future and building a home and family together. But I know, I can blame only myself for being a dreamer.

I know I never gave you a chance to consider me as more than a friend because I never spoke about my feelings to you. I just secretly admired and adored you and was happy about what I thought were positive signals from you. I was scared that, if I would say something, I might lose you as a friend. And I feel like that's exactly what happened, I feel like I lost the singer I admire, the friend I value so much, my prospective travel buddy and the woman I love so much all at once.

I feel like all of the things you say about him, you would also say about me if you knew me better and had given me a chance. Which is also my fault, I would have loved to talk to you a lot, but I didn't want to disturb you. So we never got to really talk, maybe because I didn't tell you that I love you, maybe because you were in a relationship when we got to know each other. But I know that we all cannot tell our hearts what to feel. Just like I cannot stop myself from loving you, I know you cannot change your feelings for someone else. I thought this happy guy would be me, except that I would not have allowed it to be a LDR. I would have brought you here right away or moved to the Philippines myself. Another instance where it is my fault that I didn't say and do what I felt...

I am the one who stayed up very late for years already, just to wish you a good morning and go to sleep with a good night from you. I am the one who thought for quite some time already that he had found his best friend and greatest love in the same person. I am the one who was looking at you with love in his eyes, admiring your beauty just as much as your perfect personality - the serious side as well as the fun side. That's why it hurts so much now, to see you saying those things about someone else.

All these things I say without feeling bitterness, only desperation. Please understand that I don't blame you for any of that, I know it's my fault. My fault not to speak out what I had wanted to say for a long time, my fault for thinking that some of your words and actions meant something that you did not intend. For years I have been secretly loving you, secretly looking at you with loving eyes even when I was just staring at your messages, and I wonder how you did not see the way I look at you  when I was there with you. I know now that it was the biggest mistake in my life to never speak about my thoughts, never do what I wanted to do, what I felt inside. Instead I said and did what I thought was the right and decent thing to do, what  I thought was expected of me.

But I cannot not give up on you easily, not as a friend and not as my only love interest, because you are worth all the effort. I cannot switch off my feelings for you, which grew over the years, in such a short period of time. You are in every regard the most wonderful woman any man could wish for and I know, I will never meet someone as good as you. I know it doesn't mean anything to you and won't make you change your mind, so I don't stick with you because I still have hope. But I still love you - and I always will.  I would have loved to be the one who makes you happy and smile every day, who supports you, encourages you, helps you to reach all of your goals and dreams and shows you the world .

Maybe I just need some time off for now. I cannot imagine life without you, at least as my friend. But every time I read your sweet posts about you and him, I feel so bad. I try very hard not to comment anything on those posts, because that is not who I am and those are things that are not meant for the public or anyone else. I know I should be happy to see you happy, but right now, it hurts so much, that I am even having problems with my heart again. 

I could never have imagined that I would say that some day, but I think I have to really stay away from you on social media for the moment, although I will miss seeing you, reading your updates so much. Even just writing this makes me cry again. Maybe you remember last time I told you that I would stay away, I only managed to go a few hours without talking to you. I have gotten so used to chatting with you over the last years, because you were always on my mind. You have been the focus of all my thoughts, my affection, attention and effort and the only source of all my happiness - and you still are. I cannot lose you as a friend my dear, I really don't know what I would do without you in my life. 

Love always,
Wolfie 💋💖